Loss Makes It's Exit

At some point, loss makes it's still painful exit from your life. 

Part 2

You are still here

You still exist

When you check this time

You are not just here

Not just physically

That’s easy

To suck in and suck out

And say

“Here”

Not only are you “here”

You are sincerely

Here

You breathe in

You breathe out

That’s easy now

But you do more than that

And you are proud of that feat

In and out

Yes and no

Up and down

You ride the ride

A couple times

Just

To ride the ride

But now you ride the ride

And you feel things

Excitement

Dread

Guilt

Strength

Happiness?
Maybe

But one day

You’re lying there

In and out

Chest rising

Chest lowering

And then it happens

Your mouth twitches

Your breath hesitates

And you smile

And then your eyes dart back and forth

As if to overanalyze the fact that your lips just curled upward

In a strange, unique shape

Your face isn’t familiar with

But yes, you smiled

You smiled

And what you smiled at

Might make you smile again
Heaven forbid

It might make you smile over and over again

Loss - Extraction

Those who have suffered loss, in any form - my loss may be different from others' but I can't help but imagine, it all feels similar to this

Extraction

You gasp, in shock of course, because you were never ready for it

And then, the gasp stops there - your head tilted back, your face grimaced

Waiting for it to leave you

At first you can do nothing

At first you’re motionless, eyes signaling the only presence of pain

Frightened, tortured, devastated

And then you start to react

As you feel it leave you

Centimeter, by centimeter, by centimeter

Inch, by inch, as you feel the loss quickening

You drop to your knees, mouth gaping, eyes freeing tears from previously boarded gates

And you let out the most pathetic sound

A last mournful note

For what was so deeply embedded in you

And so callously

Savagely

Pulled from your veins, your skin, your heart

Pulled from your body, leaving a limp skeleton

A miniscule fossil of what once existed there

It takes everything to look up

Centimeter by centimeter

Inch by inch

You feel it get easier

And you breathe out in exhaustion

A barely audible

“thank you”

Collapse

And watch nothing else but your own chest move up

And down

And up

And down

The movement slowly regressing

Just to make sure

It’s not only over

But you’re still here

You can write about fairytales

I used to write about fairytales

I used to smile even when my heart shattered

I used to smile, no matter what

Nothing was wrong

Don’t you see

This is a fairy tale, nothing can be wrong

I don’t write about fairytales anymore

Fairytales lack

Substance

Depth

But

Are so very abundant

In superficial façades

Talk

Pretty still pictures

You can write about fairytales

I’ll write about this instead

I want to be loved

So severely, I can feel it even when I hate you

I want to love

So severely, I can’t stop it, even when I hate you

I want your time, your mind, your body, your spirit

To collide with mine

And make a mess

A mess, beyond any mess

I want my breath to catch in my throat when you come close

My heart to race when you kiss me

At 25

And 26

And 27

And 28

And 29

And maybe once in awhile at 80

But

Also

I want my eyes to roll when you do that thing, the one thing I hate, you know that sneezing thing, that creates no immediate danger for me, but makes me want to strangle you for not sneezing correctly

I want to curl up, look at you and admit, I’ve gone through a taco bell drive through and a Mcdonalds drive through directly after because Cheesy Gourdita Crunches make my eyes light up, but fries make me sing

Basically, can I be me? If you promise to be you?

Corbyn Andrew

My sweet baby nephew was born last week. When my brother and sister-in-law told me they were expecting, I was in a very scary place. Lost, confused, hurt, discouraged, his sweet little spirit instantly took hold of me. To you, my Corbyn Andrew.

My saving grace,

You will never quite understand how loved you are

Never quite understand how important your prefect spirit is

So, when you forget your significance

When the world tells you you are inadequate

Remember

What you mean to me

Your little heartbeat made me grin

I put my lost hands on your mommy’s belly

And you made me giggle, while tears pushed against my stubborn gates

You have given me hope, given me purpose

You, little man, have fought through emptiness to find me

And you pulled me from depths I thought were too impenetrable

So when somebody makes you feel your existence is trivial

Remember

You made my heart sing when it wanted to sob

You made my spirit swell with love, when I thought it had none to give

You made me feel alive, when I felt near silence

And you continue to make me realize my own potential

As I recognize yours

When life tells you, you have little

Remember,

I love you,

and

you are my saving grace